I Don't Understand

Selalu sangat rasa that I don't belong.


I can't blend myself with my own blood.


I just feel like that is not the right thing to do.


Salah ke bila rasa macam tu?


Tahu benda tu tak bagus, tapi nak buat macam mana.


I tried, but I can’t.


And I'm tired with all of this.


I don’t want to stay at home, anymore.


I love home just because of my room, I create my own life there. Only in my room.


Sigh.

Fight With Your Own Demons

Right.

I know.

It's surprising right?

I manage to write here again. Yesterday I was here, same goes for today. There's one thing that was in my mind for a long time and I really want to do it. I think. I really want to quit my job and start with my full-time study. How I wish someone would ask me what I really want to do in my life. But, there's none. Previously, I really want to pursue my studies and took IT or anything that is related to technology and computer. But there's something that stopping me to continue what I want to do. I know I can't blame them. I should have be brave and stand with my own words. Too bad that I cannot undo that anymore. It was hurt and painful, until now.

It feels like I've created a war in my own life by letting people to decide. But in my defence, I just want people around me to be happy. Because I know, whatever that come from their mouth, I understand that is something that they expect from us. But, it was kinda frustrated that they didn't ask or say, just do whatever you want to do, you will have my support forever. 

Never.

But I know I can’t blame them. I was the one who agreed to do that at the first place after all. But now, can I just do what I want? I really want to pursue my study in full-time. I want to experience it, again :(

Can anyone who read this and tell my family what I want? I'm just not strong enough to face and tell them. 

Hurm.

Gotta go now, see you guys again.

Looking Forward

Annyeong!

How are you guys?

Hopefully siapa yang baca ni is doing well and I doakan everything that you do will be blessed. It was a sunny day and bright the moment when I type this. It feel good to be able to see people around me are having a good time with their love ones. While me sitting at the corner of this cafe and surround myself with books and some good song from Kim Hyun Joong. Heee, sounds too bad ey? But it's okay, memang I choose to sit alone because bukan Syaza laa kalau dia tak jadi lone ranger.

Doakan je laa aku tak kena halau duduk kat sini sebab dari pukul 11.30 pagi kat sini and the moment when I type this blog it's reaching 3.00 pm. Lama tak lamalah kan duduk kat sini. Orang lain duk sibuk pergi dating, enjoy themselves at the mall but I rather stay here alone melayan diri. But aku takdelah bosan sebab dah cari aktiviti baru which is to learn Hangul language. Ape tu? Siapa pernah dengar? Tak pernah? Haaa, bahasa mudah tengah belajar bahasa Korea sekarang ni. Kenapa tetiba?

Sebab Kim Hyun Joong! Hahahaha, my love for him will never fade away. Memang obviously I like him since the day I watch Boys Over Flower and also Playful Kiss. So right now since I have found his official channel dekat Youtube and IG, my stalker mode dah activated ape lagi. But right now just tengah marathon his song and also some video he posted. And yes, because of him I want to understand and learn Korean's language sebab nak faham lagu yang dia nyanyi tu laa. Is it a good thing? I'm not sure but I just don't care, hahahaha. At least duk mengisi masa kosong malam-malam sebab I tak text with anyone and basically kalau I do my reading pun, only selected book je yang masuk dalam list untuk baca. Other than that, I think I will sleep early. Tapi patut tidur jelah pun kalau dah takde benda nak buat. 

Taoi rasa macam teruk laa pulak cycle kalau macam tu je, I mean siang pergi kerja. Sampai rumah pukul 7.50 malam and then Isyak makan apa semua dah pukul 9 malam. tapi ada je certain day pukul 10 aku dah tidur dah, nikmat betul rasa hahahaha. Mentang-mentang takde komitmen dengan sesiapa kan, ikut suka aku je. Life is good so far, alhamdulillah.

Oh, I gotta go. Just received a text Naura is at home. See you again people!

No Words

Masih tak pasti tajuk apa yang sesuai untuk post kali ni. Beberapa hari hati ni memberontak nak meluahkan apa yang ada dalam hati. I just feel like talking to somebody but I know no one will understand. So here we go.. As long aku spill dekat sini and if ada orang baca pun aku tak akan tahu siapa. Tak pasti jugak kenapa bermusim perasaan macam ni, yang pasti not a good one. Not a good one tu bukanlah sampai tahap teruk ke apa ke. InsyaAllah aku dah lepas dah fasa tu, it took me few months before I can properly heal.

But this time mostly duk fikirkan pasal life sendiri. Ni semua penangan bila tengok surrounding or dekat social media mostly kawan-kawan ada yang dah berjaya, dah kahwin, dah ada anak, segalanya nampak macam dah complete. Tapi untuk seorang Syaza? Allahu, rasa berdosa sebab tak tahu bersyukur. Padahal kerja, duit, family semua ada depan mata sekarang ni. Nikmat ape lagi yang kau nak Syaza?

Aku nak menaip lagi.. I really want to. But I don't know how to put things in word. Macam dah lost je semua tu.

Haih.

Once In A While

Assalamualaikum.

Sungguh, setiap kali kalau buka mukadimah, mesti perkataan sorry  atau maaf yang akan keluar. Tapi memang betullah kena cakap macam tu dulu. Sebab dah lama sangat aku tak menjenguk tempat yang satu ni. Tempat yang sekurang-kurangnya kalau aku menaip dan aku tak tahu siapa yang baca.

Tak banyak benda pun nak cerita. Cuma masih lagi bertatih nak betulkan jalan hidup, umur dah 25 tahun kot. Bertatih apa lagi ni Syaza? Susah pulak rasa nak jawab soalan tu. Tiba-tiba sekarang ni banyak sangat benda yang bermain dalam kepala. Sampai nak keluarkan pun tak tahu yang mana satu.

Guys, doakan ya. Doakan bebanyak untuk seorang Syaza ni. Semoga semua yang baik-baik untuk aku, amin insyaAllah.

Ups & Down

Musim ups and down aku dah datang balik. Doakan ye semoga apa yang aku hadap semua ni akan dipermudahkan. It was so hard to endure the pain alone :(

Day 1 of 365 Days

Page 1 of 365 days.

Last year was bitter. Too much bitter that I forgot to taste the sweetness of life.  All the drama, the painful, tears, stressful, not knowing the exact things that I want in my life suddenly. I admit that it happens when I changed my job. Not saying that it was the bad decision that I’ve ever made. But I know everything happens for a reason.

I know 2018 was a learning process for me. I learn to know myself, to love myself and to care myself more. Now I know how to handle myself when I’m at the weakest point of life. Not literally I know, but as long I still have Him. I know I can survive. When things turn out to be like this, I decided to keep my circle very small few months back. From sharing my stories to some of my friends, I just let only one or two person to know about it.

I lose my self-confidence, I’m even more afraid to talk to people; I became super introvert that I just keep myself alone in the room. Being lonely has become so much addicted to me and I just enjoy myself.

I didn’t realize when this happen to me, not specifically but one thing for sure right after my birthday and after my little sister went back to Ireland. Everything seems to be complicated after that.

But I’m so thankful that Allah sent me some of my good friends to be there for me. One of them who is staying far away from me yet so close in my heart. The friendship that we have for almost 13 years makes it easy for me to talk to you every single day. Thank you my Angel for be there for me no matter whatever it is. If you ever read this one day, just so you know that I’m very glad to know you and to have you, as my best friend whom I know will never judge me with my stories. The one that I know will say the truth even it is painful to know.  Thank you, my dear best friend.

He also sent me this one good friend of mine whom I will never forget his kindness and his time for me. The one that helped me a lot to distract myself from thinking too much, well I do think a lot of unnecessary things (my bad, I know!). So he drag me out, we went out for movies, lunch, we went to stadium to watch football, he accompanied me to hang out with my staffs, he accompanied me to meet my ex when he was hospitalized, he sent me some sweets at home, but the one that I liked the most is he listened to every single story that I share. Yes, I have too much story that I can share to anyone that is very close to me but only the people that I choose to share. He helped me out with every single thing.

Dear you, I’m sorry that I won’t be able to mention your name here. But I will still wrote about you just to let people know that you are very kind to me and I believe to everyone around you as well. Thank you for being my true friend. Thank you for being there through my ups and down. I will always keep you in my prayer, insyaAllah.

Alhamdulillah, for this New Year, I’ve got myself with a very good news that I always dream of. Which is to work in my dream company, which I think I have applied for it for almost two years. It just came in the right time. I hope, everything will be fine and smooth for me for this year.

And hopefully I will have more time to at least share some of important moment here. Let’s hope for that, shall we?

Bismillahirrahmannirrahim, 2019.